It’s Magical Monday here at the olde blogge and I’ve brewed up a cup of Scottish Breakfast tea with a touch of milk and honey because I’m feeling nostalgic and reminiscing about when my sweet baby girl was just that – a baby.
Parenting is hard. Parenting is awesome. Parenting is a dichotomy wrapped up in a conundrum and I’m still trying to figure it out. Especially with my oldest.
Alexzandra is twenty and amazing in more ways than I can count. She’s talented and quirky and she embraces life with such exuberance I lose sleep most nights. As an example, these are two quotes taken from her facebook wall:
Got hit by a car today on my bicycle! Lol…
and this little gem:
And today I stopped a guy from beating up this girl near my house. Yaaayy…
Now, what’s a Mom to do with this information especially when she’s so far away? Last month my baby girl moved back to San Francisco, a city she adores. She’s going to school and has a part time job with a preschool teaching kids yoga, which is perfect for her. While I understand why she needs to be in San Francisco and her desire to make her own way in life, I wish she was closer. Because she’s my baby even though she’s not a baby anymore.
Alexzandra was my first true love. Before her, I had deep commitment issues and she taught me how to love someone unconditionally and gave me courage to open my heart and allow others in. It’s incredible what children can teach adults. If not for Alexzandra, I don’t know if I would’ve been able to accept someone’s love and stay committed to them. Alexzandra showed me that loving someone is scary, but worth the risk.
Alexzandra and I were always close. I would refer to her as mini-me because we had similar styles and temperaments. Which was great until she started wanting to be her own person and I selfishly clung to the little girl she no longer was. At seventeen, she moved to San Francisco to be on her own. I was terrified for her and a little bitter that she left me. Selfish, I know.
I missed the closeness we had when she was younger. I longed for the days when we’d play together or shop and talk for hours. She was a young woman and didn’t need me as much. I kept trying to make myself indispensable and in the process made myself miserable.
She moved back to San Diego after a year away and we were able to forge a new relationship, but it took work on both our parts. I had to back off and give her freedom to make her own mistakes and she had to understand that I’m a MOM and I don’t get days off. You never retire from being a parent. I’ll be ninety-seven and I’ll still call her to make sure she’s eating enough.
And those facebook posts? I’ll worry about her and then deep inside I’ll be damn proud of the woman she’s becoming. She’s like me in so many ways and yet she’s completely her own person. And apparently, she’s kind of a badass.
Still, she’s my sweet baby girl and every time I hear Coldplay’s Fix You I can’t help but think of Alexzandra.
Sometimes I forget to tell Alexzandra this, but to me, she’s F*ckin Perfect. Thank you, Pink for summing it up so eloquently. The video’s a little harsh, but I love the words.
How about you? Have you ever learned about something important from a facebook post or Twitter update? Are there any songs that make you misty-eyed each time you hear them or make you think of a certain someone? Have your babies grown up and left for places unknown? Do you still worry about them?