Research made me do it. Really.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

*I must warn you that this post contains mature themes. If you are faint of heart or a minor, come back on Wednesday when I have a silly video much better suited to your delicate senses. Kthxbai.

Research. How many writers use research? Everyone that I know of. Even if they just read a blog on how to write better or google a word or two, that’s research. Until a few weeks ago about the wildest thing I did for research was take pictures, read history books, and clickety-clack away on my keyboard.

All that changed when I went to the Southern California Writer’s Conference.

You see, I have a few characters who are, shall we say, intriguing. They use sex as a weapon and torture is just another way for them to get off. They’re twisted and perverted and I love them, but I don’t really know what it is they do when they do the nasty.

Remember my gal pal Gayle? Well, I happened to mention to her that I thought I could benefit from some research on the topic. Maybe get a video or something.

Next thing I know, I’m driving down the freeway with Gayle and Linda Ochocki in the car and we’re heading to a porn shop. That’s right. Three middle-aged married women were going on a field trip to get Tameri some porn!

So what’s the first thing I see when I enter the store? An entire wall of in your face business I can’t ever un-see, so what do I do? Giggle like a 12 year-old boy who discovered he could burp the alphabet. Yeah, I was that classy.

The very sweet and understanding salesgirl helped me find what I needed ~ I’d been prepped on what specifically to ask for ~ and let me just say there that I didn’t look at the DVD she showed me, I just said I’d take it if she thought it met my requirements. I’m fairly certain she didn’t believe my story that we were there for research because she gave me the lamest, dumbest, and most boring lesbian porn video of all time.

I’m not even going to tell you the part where the disc got stuck in my laptop and I thought I’d have to take it to the Genius Bar at the Apple Store to get it out. Let’s just say I might need therapy after that incident.

Not only did that ‘sweet’ salesgirl totally mess with me, I didn’t get the research information I needed. I bet she had some laughs at the bar with her girlfriends that night. Dang it.

Fear not, my loyal readers because I had a secret weapon. My gal pal Gayle. If you’ll recall, I told you in my SCWC recap that she can hook a girl up!

Turns out, Gayle just happened to be regaling a few folks with a highly entertaining account of our field trip when this guy Oz mentioned that a good friend of his is a BDSM master. Or something like that. I’m still not quite sure what all those letters stand for, but I can guess. Anyway, she totally hooked me up!

By the time I left the conference, I had John’s number (he’s the hot BDSM dude) and a promise from Heather, Oz’s wife, that she’d send me information from a lesbian S&M friend who would be willing to help out as well.

None of this would’ve happened if I’d stayed in my little corner of the conference. Sure, I was completely out of my comfort zone, but we had a blast and the story just got better each time we told it. I finally got up the guts to call John and I need to email Heather’s friend ~ I wanted to make sure I had my questions lined up first so I don’t giggle again like a 12 year-old boy every time he farts. Seriously, I’m that much of a dork.

As for the disk… after 45 minutes of stressing out and trying to get the darn thing out of my laptop (and missing the morning speaker, I might add), the stupid thing finally ejected and I was saved the torture of taking it to the Genius Bar.

Come on, ‘fess up. What’s the wackiest thing you’ve done for research?